BLACK FRIDAY CAN SUCK IT!

Oh yeah, I am bragging – rubbing my success in your face! 

Skinny Kitty and I have completed our Christmas shopping save a couple of items for some kids in the family who are too teen-like to know what they want yet. Our Amazon.com order started coming in yesterday with one box still on the way. We also shopped locally, but the bulk came from Amazon. It's easier.

The progeny asked to spend time with friends last night so wifey and I took that opportunity to finish the holiday shopping on the local level. Yeah, I said "holiday" and not Christmas. That's cause I feel snarky. As strange as it might sound we considered it a date night and we had the best time holding hands and shopping for others. Not really romantic I guess, at least not in the flowers-and-candlelight sense of the word. I'm sure Oprah might counsel us otherwise, but we really enjoyed the time together When you are married with children anytime alone is precious time, even if you are shopping.

We did have dinner together and that was nice. Nothing fancy. Our iced tea came in plastic cups but the grub was good (and cheap). We pride ourselves on the fact that we finish our shopping before Thanksgiving. It's a thing with us. It sure makes the holiday less stressful and more enjoyable.

Now we can sit back, relax and wait for the annual War-on-Christmas idiots to write their typical letters to the editor. It's as if they think no one's heard that old argument before. That's their thing. I like our thing better.

B-MOVIE MADNESS

I told you the cousins were coming to Jackland for Trick-or-Treating. As always we went to a haunted corn maze, rode on a haunted hay ride and watched movies.

My Name is Bruce

It is required for the viewer to be a Bruce Campbell fan to enjoy this film. If you are a fan of the Evil Dead or Army of Darkness, then My Name is Bruce will certainly appeal. I loved it. Hokey, funny B-movie fun. It was rated worse than Quarantine (below) but I don't care. I thought it was a dang hoot.

Quarantine

We streamed this movie from Netflix through the Blu-Ray player. It was pretty good although the reviews were not too hot. That happens with horror sometimes.

Haunted Goings-On

The corn maze we went to was 2.5 miles west of Bass Pro. It was much smaller than the corn maze in Verona that we traditionally go to. But this one had a haunted hay ride, which we loved. The truck got stuck in a 12-inch mud pit in the rode and we had to get off and let them pull it out, but that only added to the fun if you ask me. They had a crane there that they dangled overhead, which was a nice touch. Well worth the money. 

It was a great Halloween here at the House of Jack. We thoroughly enjoyed ourselves. The decorations are already put away and it will soon be time to decorate the Christmas tree. I know; I know. It's too early to talk about Christmas, but I have to admit I am thinking about it and what Santa will bring this year for my little girl.

INVESTIGATING THE WORLD AROUND US

Fish scales, mouse fur, hare hair, blood and ear wax were just a few of the choice items examined under the microscope today in the House of Jack. The 8-year-old, you see, got microscope for Christmas. With all the cousins about, we were unable to open it until we got home.

Safe and secure, we opened the gift, got out the prepared slides and made a few slides of our own. It's really cool to see stuff swimming around in my blood.

The daughter loves science and math. She gets excited when it comes to exploring and explaining the world around her. In our home we promote learning and knowledge. Science neither scares us nor shakes our faith.

ANOTHER WII GAME CRUMBLES UNDER THE CRUSHING GAME MASTERY OF JACK & CUB

The cub and I (with help from our teenage cousin) put the screws to the Lego Star Wars for the Wii. We are impatient pansies and not true gamers; we buy the strategy guides just in case we get stuck. I make no apologies. It's too frustrating otherwise and we don't have hours and hours to spend on gaming anyway.

We've had this game for awhile, but it had to go down to make room for Lego Batman that we got for Christmas. So we punished Star Wars and put it out of it's misery. We are feeling quite victorious and ready to take on Lego Batman.

BUILDING IS HALF THE FUN

Lego Indiana Jones Temple Escape

I must admit, I never understood the purpose when Lego came out with movie themed sets. Why spend all that time building a Star Wars TIE Fighter or Indiana Jones temple? Just get the toys and play with them.

I was thinking too practically and not like a kid. I refer you to this story's headline. My daughter wanted Legos for Christmas and for some reason this was her first set. She got two sets of Indiana Jones Legos.

Indiana Jones and the Lost Temple from Lego

We have had the best time putting those boogers together. The Temple Escape took a long time to put together, but we stuck with it.

(PARENTAL NOTE: We Dads like a building challenge, what with all the construction and sticker placement. I slowed down and made sure my daughter did the work. I helped her decipher the picture instructions, but she put most of the pieces together herself. It was hard at times because I really wanted to help her, but I sat still. It took longer that way, but the whole ordeal was much more satisfying. She was quite proud of herself afterward.)

TOP TEN OSAMA BIN LADEN CHRISTMAS TRADITIONS

Comedy blogger, Jason Rohrblogger, is at it again with yet another wicked top ten list. I'll leave you with this Christmas list suitable for framing.

May you have a riotous Christmas.

NINTENDO WII TOP SELLING CONSOLE

It is official. The Nintendo Wii is the bomb, if sales numbers have anything to say about it. So far the Wii has sold almost 11 million consoles, 666,000 of which were sold in June of this year. Dang, that is a lot of game machines in one month. The report also states that "six out of the top ten games sold in the US were for Nintendo consoles.

In other cool Wii news, manga may be coming to the Wii as well. The big four Japanese manga publishers (manga being Japanese-style comics) have joined forces to bring comics to the already rockin' game machine.

As for the Jack household, we are hoping Santa will bring us Lego Batman and the strategy guide for Christmas.

Thanks to the always cool, Newsarama, for reporting important news.

DON'T EAT TOO MUCH, TUBBY

That's the goal this holiday season and thus far it is working. At least we are finding more success than in years past. We are a big fella, but you probably gathered that from the title of the blog. Our doc made a great suggestion: Don't eat at parties.

I laughed when I first heard this because if not eating were a real possibility I would not have so much in common with Homer Simpson or Peter Griffin. The truth of the doctor's remarks were not so bleak or simple, but they were not complicated either.

She suggested I eat a full, satisfying meal before I go to any holiday parties, especially but not limited to, those endless troughs of deep fried butter-laced, sugar-rolled, early-death concoctions. I'm looking at you Ooey, Gooey Butter Cake recipe so famous during Christmas. This stuff is baked heroine. So anyway, when I got to the party I do not partake of a single morsel of food. Nothing, nit, nadda, no way, no how, no thank you. If I start I will not stop.

It is doable. Not without a good deal of work and mind-prep ahead of time, but it is doable. So far I have used this technique at three parties, and I am using it for one more. Typically, I sit as far away from the kitchen or the food as possible and I refuse to go into those areas. Skinny Kitty is kind enough to refill my water or tea (I drink my plain, thank you. The only thing I don't want sugar added.) If folks want to talk to me, they have to come where I am.

Tomorrow's party is the coup de grace of difficult holiday parties as it involves one family member who equates the food with love. It may be a small party, but we will be knee deep in food: lard, sugar, salt, and butter. I have a plan and I am prepped for battle.

It ain't easy being hungry.

SHOPPING FOR SOMEONE ELSE

On Saturday, the teens in our church youth group took $1,300 raised and went to Wal-Mart to shop for other children. One of our church's mission is supporting The Council of Churches' Toy Store. It's like Toys for Tots and other children's Christmas gift outreach programs.

The teens, split into groups of 3, took their carts and budgets and shopped like mad. Our assignment was to purchase for ages 13-18. I was lucky enough this year to go along. The teens have done this for several years, but I've never gone with them.

The other adult and I stood in the electronics department, next to the Apple iPods and watched the teens roll up and down the aisles, laughing, giggling and screaching about their finds. I have never seen teens so excited to give back to someone else. They've served food to the homeless (and not just during Christmas), worked on building projects for a local abused women's shelter … things like that. They have always appreciated and enjoyed the experiences.

But nothing compares to buying toys for kids. Nothing. The teens take off work to do this. They skip scouts to do this. They make it work because they love it. They know what kids their own age like. I'm glad I got to be a part.

I didn't help pick out gifts, although I wanted to, but this is their deal. I was excited when I saw they bought some serious Nerf guns, a Star Wars AT-TE, and some mp3 players. Very cool and very exciting.

THE GIFT THAT KEEPS ON GIVING

There is one gift this season that is sure to please any member of your family. Buy your loved ones a subscription to FAT JACK's ERRATIC RANTS for Christmas, Kwanzaa, Hanukkah, or Eid al Adha. They are sure to thank you for it.

Happy Holidays!

AH, THE BLOOD-SOAKED CHRISTMAS GIFTS

It's not just the big corporate fat cats that bow to the almighty dollar – screwing the little man, or the pregnant woman – for a big effing thingamajig or a pretty little whirly-gig. Oh no, the crap rolls downhill, and just as our banks are spending wads of free taxpayer cash on exotic get-a-ways and ball field naming rights the little man will stomp the guts out of his countrymen to get a good deal for Christmas.

The highlights from this year, so far include:

• Two shot at Toys R Us
• Wal-Mart Worker Trampled to Death in Black Friday Stampede
• Pregnant Woman Miscarriages After Injuries in Wal-Mart Stampede
  

And so it goes every year with mad dashes down the isles. It seems that Wal-mart has been especially bad about crowd control, just opening the doors to throngs of crazed sleep-deprived shoppers hopped up on expensive coffee and the adrenaline from a good deal. How can it be fun, knowing that people are dying? The news this morning mentioned that Best Buy had a crowd-control plan. It's too bad it's come to this. That the people cannot control themselves to the point that the stores must control them. Sometimes people cannot be trusted to manage themselves.

I don't go out on Black Friday, at least not to the stores. I did get milk from the gas station and checked on Grandma. But I stayed away from the madness. I don't know how people can stand to give their children presents knowing that some pregnant lady lost her kid, or some worker lost his life, just so I could save $50 on a freaking thing.

THE SEASON IS UPON US

The Halloween tree is down and the Christmas one is ready to go. It’s the same tree, but with different decorations and lights. Last night the House of Jack watched our first Christmas flick. The daughter chose The Simpsons Christmas on dvd. Nice intro to the season.

It makes plenty of folks mad enough, I know, but Thanksgiving signals the beginning of the season for us. Bear in mind, 80 percent of our gifts are already purchased. We’ve helped Grandma do her shopping too.

It feels good to have so much stress out of the way by this time. It makes the holiday season feel like a holiday rather than a burden. Later this week we will kick on the Elvis Christmas CD – cause it ain’t Christmas without Elvis – and put the decorations on the Christmas tree. Soon, we will need to watch the greatest Christmas movie ever: A Christmas Story. Anyone who disagrees will be shot with a Red Ryder BB gun like the criminal they are.

HUMANISTS DON’T NEED GOD TO DO GOOD; NOT MUCH OF A NEWS FLASH

Oh, Snap! The Christmas claws are out and it won’t be long until the Warrior of all Things Christmas & Christian, Springfield’s evangelical attorney, writes another rant to the News-Leader claiming the subjugation and oppression of Christ and his devotees all because some people say Happy Holidays.

We followers of Christ here in the US are an awful trodden down lot of folks, are we not? I know I certainly feel that I am utterly unable to practice my religion for fear of reprisals from the ever-growing baby-haters and communists known as liberals, humanists and atheists. My goodness, my very life is in danger just from announcing my religion on this blog. How ever will I survive? Why, I might just get some angry comments or emails. Someone might disagree with me, or worse yet, they might tease me. Heaven forbid!

What’s the deal? The American Humanists Association launched an awareness campaign on humanism. In a nutshell, these folks believe that humans can do good and should do good simply because it is, well, good. The slogan is: “Why believe in a god? Just be good for goodness' sake.” For some reason some folks see this as an assault on Christmas and Christianity. As you can imagine, Faux News was all over it today. There is something that some folks just need to know: It’s not always about you.

So the humanists want to tell people that they believe in morality and ethics as philosophies that the non-theist can also hold dear. In other words, these folks believe that being good is something that all persons can do regardless if they believe in God or not. Big deal. We need more ethics and morality in the world, regardless of the foundation from which it is born. Seems that Christians and humanists (along with other religious folks) can agree that morality and ethics are important to a harmonious community.

The War On Christmas Started with Christians

The News-Leader was particularly interesting yesterday. Roger Ray, the ever controversial Christian lefty wrote a funny piece about the War on Christmas. Crack me up! Here’s a taste:

“In 1659 Massachusetts passed their "Anti-Christmas" law which read: ‘Whosoever shall be found observing any such day as Christmas, or the like, either by forbearing labor, feasting, or any other way upon such account as aforesaid, every such person so offending shall pay for each offense five shillings as a fine to the country.’”

At one point, this so-called “Christian Nation” banned Christmas. What a war this has turned out to be. Maybe everyone should just calm down, celebrate, and quite whining.

Personally, I am celebrating both the religious and the secular and no one is trying to stop me. Quote Charlie Brown: “Good Grief!”

Changing Traditions

My family has a big Christmas party in early December – a day-long event with tons and tons of food. Think fishes and loaves to feed the masses kind of party. It is a lot of fun and we enjoy going to this event, but it is not good for me. At least not right now.

In my feeble attempt to make lifestyle changes, we decided to forego the event this year and stay home. Rather than eat, we hauled our rear ends to the streets of Springfield to watch the annual Christmas parade. Interestingly enough, they handed out candy by the gobs [laugh]. I did not realize it, but my daughter had never been to a parade before. Shame on us. She loved it and we had a good time not stuffing the faces with food.

I did really miss all the family though. It’s not the same, but it was good in its own right. It’s not like I won’t see the exact same family members – all of them – on Christmas Eve, Christmas Day, and a few days before and after. So it’s not that big of a deal.

A Christmas parade in the heart of Springfield is a nice piece of nostalgia. It really makes life feel like Christmas. It was good parade too. The floats were pretty poor, as compared to the floats when I was a kid. We saw the Central High School Kilties and that makes a parade, I tell you what. Those girls rock.

Smoke ‘Em If You Got ‘em

(Me and Granny Juju smoking our candy grits.)

Can you believe that they still make candy cigarettes? When I was a kid every convenience store had candy cigarettes, but back then I could go in the store as an elementary student and buy my parents’ smokes for them: “A pack of Marlboro and Merit 100’s, please.” We didn’t have car seats or bicycle helmets either. I would go out and play in the woods all day and only come back for lunch and supper. It was a different time.

For Christmas this year my wife found candy cigarettes at a flea market. Don’t be fooled. They were not old ones. They are still manufactured and sold in the United States. A simple Google search for “candy cigarettes” will find you ample places to still purchase them. She gave them to the adults just for fun. Crazy.

The Great Gift Exchange

It appears the stomach flu ran rampant through the Christmas season. It happened to Larry at Simple Thoughts and it happened to us. One of the kids got it right before Christmas and by the end everyone had it except my brother-in-law. It was not fun, but only lasted about 24 hours or so. Made for a very memorable Christmas, but I have to say that the flu wasn’t my favorite gift exchange.

Seems in our family someone is always sick at Christmas. If we stayed home every time someone came down with something our family would never have Christmas, so it’s become a kind of tradition for us. We don’t usually share it so widely, but what do you do?

Other than that, we had a great Christmas – a great Christmas. I spent a lot of time with family and enjoyed the time a lot. Nothing like watching others, especially the children, open the presents they really wanted for Christmas.

For Those About to Game, Wii Salute You!

We had my wife’s family Christmas this weekend and it was the best Christmas we’ve had in years. The kids were so excited they could not sleep and were up for good at 4:30 a.m. When the kids get up, everyone gets up and Christmas begins. So we were unwrapping presents at the crack of God on Saturday morning.

Ms. Claus brought a special together gift for my daughter and I – the gift to give this season and wii happened to be lucky enough to get a Nintendo Wii with three games. Forget about the extra controllers, those are very hard to come by. I suppose everyone keeps throwing theirs through the TV.

Rumor has it that Ms. Claus was home sick one weekend. As soon as the daughter and I left the house to go out and about, Ms. Claus to Best Buy, where one of Jack’s elvish operatives gave Ms. Claus a tip that a shipment was coming in. The line was already long by the time she got there. More than 100 tickets were given out and Ms. Claus just got one with only five left. So she endured the line for an hour and a half to get us the gift of the season and she spent money we didn’t really have. Merry Christmas to us.

Ms. Claus, realizing that this was my only week off by myself, saw fit to give this gift to us at the early Christmas party – kind thing that she is.

So we’ve been playing Wii Sports, Billy and Mandy, The Legend of Zelda, Twilight Princess and Red Steel. Well, I’ve been playing Zelda and Red Steel. Wii Sports is amazingly fun and the innovative wiimote and chuck are amazingly response and intuitive. It is an experience that must be felt and not just demonstrated.

I see why this is such a hot gaming system. It is better than I thought it would be and I am really enjoying it, thanks to that wonderful Ms. Claus.

Christmas Traditions

Christmas is a crazy time in the House of Jack. We purchase Christmas gifts all year long, put up our Christmas tree sometime between the week of Thanksgiving, and it is an all-out affair once December arrives. We have tons of parties and events to attend. We can get plumb tuckered out around here. This year we skipped one party and the weather stomped on another. We purchased all of our gifts online, so it’s been pretty quiet except for finals week. (I’ll talk more about finals when I am finished on Thursday.)

The gift exchanges with the family start on Friday, the weekend before Christmas. We go to my brother-in-law’s home for Christmas with that side of the family. We just recently moved it from the parents-in-law home to his and it has been working out well for everyone. The adults don’t exchange gifts at that party anymore. We decided a few years ago to just buy for the kids and that is just fine with us. Sometimes I have my wife open a gift early because I just can’t wait for Christmas, but for the most part it centers around the kids. When the gifts are open the adults play with the kids.

After that party we head to the party with our friends from college, which is always a fun time. Two years ago we decided not to buy presents for one another, choosing instead to donate the money we would have spent to the Heifer Project. Last year we purchased several animals to be distributed nationally and internationally. We are doing the same thing this year.

On Christmas Eve, we head to Grandma’s house for Christmas with that side of my family. This is more of a dress up party with lots and lots of food, which I would prefer to do without. We exchange presents with Grandma. Then we head to Branson for Christmas with my family – my parents, my sister and her family, the grandmothers, and the multitude of cousins.

I get pretty excited about Christmas. That has always been the major holiday in my family. Birthdays and anniversaries are fine, but they are not the extravaganza, not even close. My family goes all out on Christmas. Many people buy their children toys throughout the year. Not so with us. My daughter gets presents on Christmas and her birthday. That’s pretty much it. We don’t buy her toys when we go to stores. The heap of presents on Christmas can be a bit overwhelming. It’s not about the money or the number of presents. It’s about the excitement, magic and fellowship of the time. It’s about the giving and the fun of watching someone open something exciting. We enjoy the time and it is something that everyone, children and adults, look forward to. I make no apologies for it.

Some family have traditions where they open gifts on Christmas Eve, and then send the kids to bed. That’s a fine way to do it I suppose, but that’s not our way. We put out cookies and milk, read some Christmas stories, and send the kids to bed. Then sometime thereafter Santa comes – some presents wrapped and some just sitting open under the tree. We have a habit of getting up early, the crack of God actually. As soon as the kids are up, usually between 5:30 and 6 a.m. then everyone gets up. That’s the rule in this family. We wake up any stragglers and then head downstairs for the magic and the rip-and-tear. We have two trees: one for the kids and one for the adults. Early morning is for the young ones. We just help them open their gifts, take pictures and make a big thing out of it.

After they have successfully opened their presents, we leave them to play with their new toys and the grown-ups go into the other room and we open ours. After the damage is done, then we start on breakfast, which is usually a feast in buffet-style. No big buffet this year, thankfully, but there is more about that over on FAT JACK – skinny whinny.

By mid-morning all of the cousins come over and we spend the day with one another – talking, laughing, and enjoying being home. It’s really a beautiful and exciting tradition and it makes Christmas last a long time.

A few years ago, the Ozarks was the victim of a long overdue snowy Christmas, yielding up to 14 inches in Branson. It took me four hours to drive from Springfield to my parents’ house. We got snowed in and my sister couldn’t come down from Oklahoma because of all the snow. While that year fell short because they weren’t there, it did have a silver lining. We actually had another family party on Christmas Eve that we had traveled to since before I was born. The year of this big snow, we were able to put the brakes on that long travel and spend more time at home. That year we added another tradition: a Christmas movie.

Come early evening, we pack into cars and head to the movie theatre. Who knew that movie theatres were open on Christmas? We just always assumed they were closed. Now every year we anticipate which movie we will all go to. This year I think it will be Night At The Museum. Anyone who is tired can stay back at the house and can rest, nap or read.

I am just beside myself with anticipation. I feel like a kid, a very big kid.

The Queen Mother of Dirty Words

My young’in came home the other day and asked what the f-word was. She’s in first grade mind you and doesn’t hear that at home. I didn’t tell her what it was, but I wish now that I had because she went out elsewhere to seek out the information, and that my friends, is a bad habit for us to set up. I didn’t get upset with her or anything. I just told her that it was a bad word and we don’t say it. But I didn’t tell her what it was.

So she went to school and asked one of her friends, who is also in the first grade. He was more than willing to tell drop the f-bomb on her. Don’t know where he heard it, but it’s in his vocabulary and now it’s in hers. Too bad really. I was hoping to keep her a bit more innocent for a while longer but the world has thwarted my efforts.

After we had our first talk, she sought out the info from a schoolmate, then promptly came home and announced to me that she knew the word. That is, we were in the kitchen and she just said the word and then clasped her hands to her mouth. So we had our talk about the f-bomb and then we watched A Christmas Story. She noticed that we couldn’t wash her mouth out with soap because we don’t have bars of soap. We use liquid. Clever little bugger she is.

Before bed she asked me what the b-word was. I got this one right. I told her what it was and then we discussed how those words are swear words. I figured she might as well learn it from me than from her friends at school. At least that way we have open communication. Some would call that hedonistic liberalism at it's worst, but they are misguided puritans. I want to be able to talk to my child.

Ralphie: Oooh fuuudge!

Ralphie as an adult: Only I didn't say "Fudge." I said the word, the big one, the queen-mother of dirty words, the "F-dash-dash-dash" word!

Dad: What did you say?

Ralphie: Uh, um...

Dad: That's... what I thought you said. Get in the car. Go on!

Ralphie as an adult: It was all over - I was dead. What would it be? The guillotine? Hanging? The chair? The rack? The Chinese water torture? Hmmph. Mere child's play compared to what surely awaited me.

[after getting home]

Mother: All right. Now, are you ready to tell me where you heard that word?

Ralphie as an adult: Now, I had heard that word at least ten times a day from my old man. He worked in profanity the way other artists might work in oils or clay. It was his true medium – a master. But, I chickened out and said the first name that came to mind.

Ralphie: Schwartz! [his friend from school]

(from A Christmas Story)