(I am taking a speech class and for our first speech I opted to act as a representative of an agency. Specifically, I choose to be a correspondent for “The Daily Show with Jon Stewart.” I just had to share with others. I hope you enjoy reading it as much as I enjoyed crafting and presenting it.)
I’m Fat Jack, Daily Show Senior Correspondent of All Things Right, and I am on the scene at Jim Bob’s School of Welding and Taxidermy, Crawford, Texas.
An hour ago President Bush, being touted by the locals as the “Common Man’s President” announced his new “Set It And Forget It Initiative” for America. In an attempt to unite Americans and develop a comprehensive plan to fix what ails us, Mr. Bush has gone back to his only refuge – Texas.
Hosting several “fence post” meetings, the President has met with the people in order to devise a real plan to repair America’s woes. Meeting only with folks with a high school education, he and his team have worked hours over the past day carving out this simple plan. For the first time in Presidential history, common sense from common people is driving American policy. Finally, some did ask the regular folk and they spoke – loud and clear.
So what did the common man suggest that the President and his compatriots have promised to pass?
The Mexican Liberation Movement
The US must liberate the starving, impoverished people of Mexico from the clutches of a corrupt government Hell bent on squandering the country’s natural resources and exploiting the people. These liberal tree-hugging vegan God-haters want us to believe that we can power our SUVs and pick-ups with grass and cardboard.
The common man’s President plans to offer Mexico the services of our great democracy by sending large numbers of troops south to set the Mexican people free from their evil government-controlled, poverty-stricken lives. Not to be confused with an invasion or occupation, this is a philanthropic move akin to Mexico hiring an expensive consultant.
Kind, American oil companies will no doubt be on hand to work in Mexico to help out our friends from the South. With America’s help, Mexico can benefit from this oil with profits being stronger as there are no corrupt unions trying to put them out of business. The oilrigs can work day and night, as those people love working long hours.
As soon as Mexico is ready for independence, it can take over control of the oil wells and America will leave willingly. With jobs-a-plenty, there will be no reason for Mexicans to illegally invade our country.
Illegal Immigration
Immigration … oh I’m sorry I have to say illegal immigration … is a problem in the United States and this President is responding. You can’t fault the hard working American companies for hiring illegal immigrants. They are just trying to put food on their own table and make a fair living.
Isn’t that what we all want? The problem is with the evil immigrants migrating here and taking jobs away from hard working American’s who are chomping at the bit for the opportunity to put in 16-hour days for minimum wage. These American’s don’t need fancy east coast perks like as health insurance; they just need jobs.
America will continue to build the Wall of Terror Protection along the US-Mexican border. All illegal immigrants will then be given 60 days to report to INS. Each illegal will be given two choices: Go back to newly prosperous and economic homeland, or enlist for a six-year term in the US military. If choosing the homeland, then illegals will be luxuriously flown back care of the United States Army.
If choosing enlistment, after six years the illegal will be eligible to apply for citizenship. On the news program Fox & Friends, Judge Andrew Napolitano talked about the military path to citizenship: “They acknowledge that they’re not citizens and take an oath of loyalty to the United States.” America will no longer have an illegal immigration problem and the need for more military personnel will increase significantly.
Persecute the treasonous liberal press
The Liberal media, like unions and the ACLU, have become too powerful and corrupt and must be held accountable for editorial decisions that endanger America. It is now considered good journalism for the media to report the location of troops on the ground in a war zone. It is also award-winning behavior to report on the classified tactics to define, track and detain known terrorists. The mainstream media are in bed with terrorists. The New York Times reported on the government’s confidential financial tracking program on June 22.
According to a report by Fox News, Sen. Pat Roberts, chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and former newspaperman, demanded more responsible reporting by media outlets. “We cannot continue to operate in a system where the government takes steps to counter terrorism while the media actively works to disclose those operations without any regard for protection of lives, sources and legal methods.”
In response, the President unveiled The “Fair and Balanced Act of 2006.” First the Act will set up the “Committee on a Reasonable and Patriotic Press (CRAPP). President Bush has nominated the following to serve CRAPP for life: Gov. Jeb Bush, Sen. Pat Roberts, TV Media Evangelist Pat Robertson, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter. Tony Snow, Bush’s current press secretary and former member of the media will be the chairman of CRAPP.
All news agencies will be required to submit any and all articles pertaining to issues of National Security to CRAPP for approval before being reported. Any journalist, citizen journalist, editor or publisher responsible for the publication of a story that is found to compromise American national security will be immediately arrested and tried for treason.
In his State of the Union address in 2001 President Bush stated clearly: “We will take defensive measures against terrorism to protect Americans … either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” It doesn’t matter that the President, on several occasions, leaked his bank-tapping tactics to the world.
On December 20, 2001 he stated: “We’re running down money trails, the assets of more than 150 known terrorists, their organizations, and their bankers have been frozen by the United States.”
On April 19, 2004 he said: “See, part of the way to make sure that we catch terrorists is, we chase money trails.”
He made similar comments a time or two more:
September 24, 2001
October 10, 2001
November 7, 2001
December 4, 2001
November 25, 2002
And even on March 23, 2004.
The fact is that The New York Times and other irresponsible left-wing media outlets are out to aid the terrorists and hurt America’s children. And they should be punished; and tried as traitors. We should Set ‘em and forget ‘em.
The common man’s President, has put his boots on and traveled to the heartland. He has formed his “Set It And Forget It” initiative to fix our overwhelming problems. President Bush outlined his plan to liberate the Mexican people and simultaneously boost its economy. He a citizenship program that helps illegals and helps our military at the same time. Mr. Bush demonstrated his commitment to the Constitution by initiating CRAPP and defending freedom for all Americans.
By supporting his “Set It and Forget It Initiative” we will form a more perfect union by which to live and prosper harmoniously; America will be safe and sound for generations to come.
I’m Fat Jack, Daily Show Senior Correspondent of All Things Right, and I am on the scene at Jim Bob’s School of Welding and Taxidermy, Crawford, Texas.
An hour ago President Bush, being touted by the locals as the “Common Man’s President” announced his new “Set It And Forget It Initiative” for America. In an attempt to unite Americans and develop a comprehensive plan to fix what ails us, Mr. Bush has gone back to his only refuge – Texas.
Hosting several “fence post” meetings, the President has met with the people in order to devise a real plan to repair America’s woes. Meeting only with folks with a high school education, he and his team have worked hours over the past day carving out this simple plan. For the first time in Presidential history, common sense from common people is driving American policy. Finally, some did ask the regular folk and they spoke – loud and clear.
So what did the common man suggest that the President and his compatriots have promised to pass?
- The US must liberate the starving, impoverished people of Mexico from the clutches of a corrupt government Hell bent on squandering the country’s natural resources and exploiting the people.
- Require all immigrants to join the United States military for six years, after which they will be at the top of the list for citizenship.
- In order to be free, we must give up freedom and persecute the treasonous liberal press for unveiling anything that may be considered a matter of national security.
The Mexican Liberation Movement
The US must liberate the starving, impoverished people of Mexico from the clutches of a corrupt government Hell bent on squandering the country’s natural resources and exploiting the people. These liberal tree-hugging vegan God-haters want us to believe that we can power our SUVs and pick-ups with grass and cardboard.
The common man’s President plans to offer Mexico the services of our great democracy by sending large numbers of troops south to set the Mexican people free from their evil government-controlled, poverty-stricken lives. Not to be confused with an invasion or occupation, this is a philanthropic move akin to Mexico hiring an expensive consultant.
Kind, American oil companies will no doubt be on hand to work in Mexico to help out our friends from the South. With America’s help, Mexico can benefit from this oil with profits being stronger as there are no corrupt unions trying to put them out of business. The oilrigs can work day and night, as those people love working long hours.
As soon as Mexico is ready for independence, it can take over control of the oil wells and America will leave willingly. With jobs-a-plenty, there will be no reason for Mexicans to illegally invade our country.
Illegal Immigration
Immigration … oh I’m sorry I have to say illegal immigration … is a problem in the United States and this President is responding. You can’t fault the hard working American companies for hiring illegal immigrants. They are just trying to put food on their own table and make a fair living.
Isn’t that what we all want? The problem is with the evil immigrants migrating here and taking jobs away from hard working American’s who are chomping at the bit for the opportunity to put in 16-hour days for minimum wage. These American’s don’t need fancy east coast perks like as health insurance; they just need jobs.
America will continue to build the Wall of Terror Protection along the US-Mexican border. All illegal immigrants will then be given 60 days to report to INS. Each illegal will be given two choices: Go back to newly prosperous and economic homeland, or enlist for a six-year term in the US military. If choosing the homeland, then illegals will be luxuriously flown back care of the United States Army.
If choosing enlistment, after six years the illegal will be eligible to apply for citizenship. On the news program Fox & Friends, Judge Andrew Napolitano talked about the military path to citizenship: “They acknowledge that they’re not citizens and take an oath of loyalty to the United States.” America will no longer have an illegal immigration problem and the need for more military personnel will increase significantly.
Persecute the treasonous liberal press
The Liberal media, like unions and the ACLU, have become too powerful and corrupt and must be held accountable for editorial decisions that endanger America. It is now considered good journalism for the media to report the location of troops on the ground in a war zone. It is also award-winning behavior to report on the classified tactics to define, track and detain known terrorists. The mainstream media are in bed with terrorists. The New York Times reported on the government’s confidential financial tracking program on June 22.
According to a report by Fox News, Sen. Pat Roberts, chairman of the Senate Intelligence Committee and former newspaperman, demanded more responsible reporting by media outlets. “We cannot continue to operate in a system where the government takes steps to counter terrorism while the media actively works to disclose those operations without any regard for protection of lives, sources and legal methods.”
In response, the President unveiled The “Fair and Balanced Act of 2006.” First the Act will set up the “Committee on a Reasonable and Patriotic Press (CRAPP). President Bush has nominated the following to serve CRAPP for life: Gov. Jeb Bush, Sen. Pat Roberts, TV Media Evangelist Pat Robertson, Rush Limbaugh, and Ann Coulter. Tony Snow, Bush’s current press secretary and former member of the media will be the chairman of CRAPP.
All news agencies will be required to submit any and all articles pertaining to issues of National Security to CRAPP for approval before being reported. Any journalist, citizen journalist, editor or publisher responsible for the publication of a story that is found to compromise American national security will be immediately arrested and tried for treason.
In his State of the Union address in 2001 President Bush stated clearly: “We will take defensive measures against terrorism to protect Americans … either you are with us, or you are with the terrorists.” It doesn’t matter that the President, on several occasions, leaked his bank-tapping tactics to the world.
On December 20, 2001 he stated: “We’re running down money trails, the assets of more than 150 known terrorists, their organizations, and their bankers have been frozen by the United States.”
On April 19, 2004 he said: “See, part of the way to make sure that we catch terrorists is, we chase money trails.”
He made similar comments a time or two more:
September 24, 2001
October 10, 2001
November 7, 2001
December 4, 2001
November 25, 2002
And even on March 23, 2004.
The fact is that The New York Times and other irresponsible left-wing media outlets are out to aid the terrorists and hurt America’s children. And they should be punished; and tried as traitors. We should Set ‘em and forget ‘em.
The common man’s President, has put his boots on and traveled to the heartland. He has formed his “Set It And Forget It” initiative to fix our overwhelming problems. President Bush outlined his plan to liberate the Mexican people and simultaneously boost its economy. He a citizenship program that helps illegals and helps our military at the same time. Mr. Bush demonstrated his commitment to the Constitution by initiating CRAPP and defending freedom for all Americans.
By supporting his “Set It and Forget It Initiative” we will form a more perfect union by which to live and prosper harmoniously; America will be safe and sound for generations to come.
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