My wife and I have two different sets of married friends, completed unconnected with each other, who have both announced that they are getting a divorce. It seems that in each relationship one of the spouses has decided they are gay. In one case it is the husband and in the other case it is the wife. One is a long-standing relationship and the other is fairly young. Both have children involved.
I was relating the story to a friend of mine, explaining my frustrations and sadness at the whole event. To which he responds: “Did somebody put a dose of homo in the water?”
A dose of homo.
Well how about that? That would seem to explain the sudden decision from both parties, but that doesn’t really fit into my paradigm as I don’t particularly believe that homosexuality is as much a choice as it is a genetic disposition.
I tend to adopt the theory that sexual orientation (gayness and straightness) is a scale rather than a static, fix point. While I feel pretty assured that it is something that one is born with, I do think that life experiences can affect that scale to a degree or two. I don’t think one just wakes up and decides to be gay.
I am struggling with all of this. Now you might assume that my struggle is largely based upon my Christian faith and on that assumption you would be wrong. My faith is stable and unwavering in its foundation on love and peace. My friendships with individuals are not based on their religion or personal flaws. The way I figure it, I am just about as screwed up as the next feller, and I’d just assume they not throw rocks at me. Friends are friends.
My concerns are based more on the relationships themselves: the children, the couples, the group friendship dynamics. I am concerned that in each case, the gay individual having discovered their previously repressed selves, may run from the pain of the past life of hiding. Living a lie is a known cause of disaster. It has lead to depression, self-loathing, promiscuity, drug use, fight-or-flight, and suicide.
I can’t really speak for both friends as I am closer to one than the other and it is from that friendship. But for the one that is closer, I know that the group of friends, male and female, are supportive and just want both the husband and wife to be happy. The levels of mourning are in full force.
It is interesting to see how the decision of one person can affect so many. True, the married couple is experiencing pain that I do not wish to know, and the children are affected in ways that are not surfacing. The surrounding group of friends is also affected. We are, as a collective group, forced to choose sides even if they don’t ask us to. There are secrets to be kept. We end up keeping wifely secrets from the husband, and conversely husbandly secrets from the wife. After all, friends are the ones you lean on when your life crumbles. We told them we are keeping secrets from both and for them to let that go.
Our group, our traditional dynamic, is eroding as I watch this tragedy unfold. It is the group’s first divorce and so it is new territory for us. But it has already started taking a toll. While I don’t think it is necessarily purposeful, there is an interplay, a chess match of sorts, to align the most number of friends on one side or the other. It is self-preservation and stems from pain. It’s understandable. To my knowledge, neither side has an attorney yet, but it is coming eventually. It is then that the price will be paid and no one will be the same afterward.
Interestingly enough, the family as a unit are still coming and hosting group events. For the time being, we all pretend that everything is as it has been for many years. Good or bad, that is where we all are, but there is a wink and nod beneath the smiles and pretense. I can’t keep from thinking about it. It affects me and I don’t like it. I am now forced to shatter a bit of my daughter’s innocence and explain divorce. I have to explain about falling out of love and then try to reassure her that Mom and I are still madly in love. But as precocious as she is, she will think about it.
I’m not worried about explaining the gay issue to her. She already knows about that. We have a cousin that has a life partner. Sophie loves them and their little girl-dog. She knows that dog has two mommies and that’s the end of it for her. The divorce issue is much harder because it announces to her that sometimes Mommies and Daddies don’t love each other any longer. The loss of love is a terrible thing to learn.
It’s too bad. I wish were as easy as a dose of homo in the water because then we could just give people a dose of straight or a dose of skinny and then everything would be fixed. That begs the question: Would you take a dose of whatever to make it all go away? All depends on what we view as being broken.
I was relating the story to a friend of mine, explaining my frustrations and sadness at the whole event. To which he responds: “Did somebody put a dose of homo in the water?”
A dose of homo.
Well how about that? That would seem to explain the sudden decision from both parties, but that doesn’t really fit into my paradigm as I don’t particularly believe that homosexuality is as much a choice as it is a genetic disposition.
I tend to adopt the theory that sexual orientation (gayness and straightness) is a scale rather than a static, fix point. While I feel pretty assured that it is something that one is born with, I do think that life experiences can affect that scale to a degree or two. I don’t think one just wakes up and decides to be gay.
I am struggling with all of this. Now you might assume that my struggle is largely based upon my Christian faith and on that assumption you would be wrong. My faith is stable and unwavering in its foundation on love and peace. My friendships with individuals are not based on their religion or personal flaws. The way I figure it, I am just about as screwed up as the next feller, and I’d just assume they not throw rocks at me. Friends are friends.
My concerns are based more on the relationships themselves: the children, the couples, the group friendship dynamics. I am concerned that in each case, the gay individual having discovered their previously repressed selves, may run from the pain of the past life of hiding. Living a lie is a known cause of disaster. It has lead to depression, self-loathing, promiscuity, drug use, fight-or-flight, and suicide.
I can’t really speak for both friends as I am closer to one than the other and it is from that friendship. But for the one that is closer, I know that the group of friends, male and female, are supportive and just want both the husband and wife to be happy. The levels of mourning are in full force.
It is interesting to see how the decision of one person can affect so many. True, the married couple is experiencing pain that I do not wish to know, and the children are affected in ways that are not surfacing. The surrounding group of friends is also affected. We are, as a collective group, forced to choose sides even if they don’t ask us to. There are secrets to be kept. We end up keeping wifely secrets from the husband, and conversely husbandly secrets from the wife. After all, friends are the ones you lean on when your life crumbles. We told them we are keeping secrets from both and for them to let that go.
Our group, our traditional dynamic, is eroding as I watch this tragedy unfold. It is the group’s first divorce and so it is new territory for us. But it has already started taking a toll. While I don’t think it is necessarily purposeful, there is an interplay, a chess match of sorts, to align the most number of friends on one side or the other. It is self-preservation and stems from pain. It’s understandable. To my knowledge, neither side has an attorney yet, but it is coming eventually. It is then that the price will be paid and no one will be the same afterward.
Interestingly enough, the family as a unit are still coming and hosting group events. For the time being, we all pretend that everything is as it has been for many years. Good or bad, that is where we all are, but there is a wink and nod beneath the smiles and pretense. I can’t keep from thinking about it. It affects me and I don’t like it. I am now forced to shatter a bit of my daughter’s innocence and explain divorce. I have to explain about falling out of love and then try to reassure her that Mom and I are still madly in love. But as precocious as she is, she will think about it.
I’m not worried about explaining the gay issue to her. She already knows about that. We have a cousin that has a life partner. Sophie loves them and their little girl-dog. She knows that dog has two mommies and that’s the end of it for her. The divorce issue is much harder because it announces to her that sometimes Mommies and Daddies don’t love each other any longer. The loss of love is a terrible thing to learn.
It’s too bad. I wish were as easy as a dose of homo in the water because then we could just give people a dose of straight or a dose of skinny and then everything would be fixed. That begs the question: Would you take a dose of whatever to make it all go away? All depends on what we view as being broken.
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6 comments:
No ma'am. They certainly are not for sissies.
My heart and prayers go out to you, your family, and these families. Things are about to change forever that can never be the same again. I have seen how divorce destroys relationships and how parties try to pull in the friends to their side. It is all very sad. Friendships are rarely the same after divorce. You and your wife are great parents and I know that you will help Sophie get through this. Faith can really help during these times of personal crisis. Let me know if you need to chat.
Lovey,
There are two different cases. In the one case (the family that we are closer to) the group of friends are supportive. Amazingly, the menfolk are NOT homophobes and are still friends with everyone. It was funny. When he came out to us, no one was surprised. Deep down we all wondered at one time or another. It surprised him that we weren't surprised.
As to the other case (which I don't talk about as much) I do not think there is as much support. We are the only ones supportive of the lesbian person. My wife and I understand that self-discovery is a life long path and people do everything they can to run and hide and change.
As Granny says, "mid-life crisis are not for sissies."
Wow...
Have been deciding if I wanted to just email you or post here, and well, I guess I don't have to tell you what I decided.
A dose of straight?
Maybe some background. I am one of the friends in the supportive group. I live far away, so in many ways I am more on the periphery these days. I am gay, but not one of the married ones...it all gets complicated. All I think I need to say is that all the good thoughts and prayers for our little circle of friends are much appreciated.
Been thinking about the dose thing. I dunno. Before I met my partner, I would have thought more seriously about it. Right now, the answer is easy...he*& no. But if you had asked me three years ago...it might have been different. I guess what I would worry about is that it would change other things about me. I mean, sexuality seems like such an integral part of who we are...
and especially being gay, who we were when growing up.
But being straight would be sooo much easier, or at least it seems like it would be from the outside.
So, as the rant draws to a close, if a dose of hetero would change that and only that, I might have done it. But then, I wouldn't be where I am now, and with whom I am right now...and I wouldn't trade that for anything. So, right now, I am pretty happy that there was no dose of hetero back then, and I don't care if there would be right now (well, not for me anyway...).
Hang in there everybody.
Runs Deep:
I don't know that I would take a dose of skinny, were it available to me. I'm not sure that drastic change that quickly is good for us. If the dose of skinny were to change the internal "me" well then I'm not sure it's worth it.
What I do know is that I am glad that my group of friends (specifically the male ones) are supportive of our friends, even when they come out of the closet after all these years. We see no betrayal in that. We choose to see the same old guy.
Now, what will be interesting to see is if he continues to be the same old guy. I'm sure there will be more blog posts as this whole event unfolds and takes its toll on us all.
It's an interesting discussion to have. Thanks for posting.
Granny Geek is right. Mid-life crises are not for sissies. Dealing with relationships is hard especially when they change. Dealing with an 18 year old right now. I cry just thinking about the changes we have seen and the hurt that comes with those changes. The pain that those couples will experience and their families, and the taking sides it hurts. It seems nobody wins. It's just a ripple effect isn't it? I cry for those families.
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